can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
thus making me awesome and them whores
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
