I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
