He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
