Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
