What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
