we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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