I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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