he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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