Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
