If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
