that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
