I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
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