you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
