Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
