If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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