walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
