I wish I could punch you in the face.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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