nut hugger
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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