smell my finger.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
