Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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