Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
