So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
