someone threw a dead crab at me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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