she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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