So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
