he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She bit a glass in half.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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