Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
