I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
