overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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