i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
