me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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