suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I got inside last night via doggy door
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
