; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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