dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
