saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
