Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
time to smoke my breakfast
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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