Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
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