I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize