You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
