So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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