I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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