he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
