a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
