I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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