That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
