So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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