dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
