So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize