I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
