I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
