ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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