Did I show you my penis last night?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
