Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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