new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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