I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
