oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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