So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
