I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
